the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
