I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
