I don't remember. Are we still dating?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
