Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
