The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
