you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
