how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
