Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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