Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
