god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
