I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
