You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
