that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
