I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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