Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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