Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
