That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Couch. On fire.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
