i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
