guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
