I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
