Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
