I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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