Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize
