I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
