Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
