I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
My vagina just clenched in fear
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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