I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
