His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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