Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
