she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
