Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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