he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
