New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
