I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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