Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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