i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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