Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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