I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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