K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
