Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
