i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
