She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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