I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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