I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
