so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
