I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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