Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
