im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
