Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
