If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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